Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
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Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
a fate I wish upon no one
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on