A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
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I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?