Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
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“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..