You Might Also Like
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*