Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
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1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.