I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
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My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT