Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
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[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Bike for sale
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*