Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
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DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more