To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
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When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
When someone says you are so lazy
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!