hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
You Might Also Like
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar