Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
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I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro