I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
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So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.