I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
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I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.