[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
You Might Also Like
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol