Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
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“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?