Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
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Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby