I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
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“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.