It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
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9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed