If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
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I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
listen closely
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Happy Friday
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
This classic never gets old . . .
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]