Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
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i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.