Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
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Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.