Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
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As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
What Bob, you’re interrupting.