rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
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I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.