I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
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Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok