What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
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As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?