Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
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[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!