*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
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INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
My life in a nutshell
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.