Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
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[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist