Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
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The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.