Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
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*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?