*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
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The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.