You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
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* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
SCARY COSTUME
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.