The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
You Might Also Like
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*