Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
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I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
whatcha thinkin bout
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
A friend sent me this.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog