Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
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Worst perfume name ever.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
My beach vacation Google searches
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Geez man, take it easy.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?