me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
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A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle