hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
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Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
kids play hide and seek like
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.