“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
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I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.