There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
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The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.