ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
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Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.