*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
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Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.