Who’s your best friend?
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Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁