My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
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The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
And bowling should be called pinball
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
What flavor cupcake are these
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.