Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
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waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-