me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
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Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I missed you with all my darts
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it