The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
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the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Finished stitching this today 😇