[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
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‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Just grow your own
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
What personal space?
My dog
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it