i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
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I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
BRO LMFAO
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane