Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
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Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day