Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
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Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*